by Charlie the Tuna

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mind theatre

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San Francisco, CA, USA - It amazes me sometimes how full people are of dumb questions. "Charlie, can I grow up to be like you?" If you study the Tuna Philosophy religiously, anything is possible. Human beings could become as perfect a creation as the cockroache, too. "Charlie, what's it like macking 24 & 7?" Well, dumb shit, if you have to ask that kind of question you're probably still sitting in front of your computer reading this crap rather than boffing some frail. "Charlie, I think my old man is cheating on me. He always comes home smelling of perfume, but claims he was visiting a sick friend. What should I do?" Go out and see if you could buy a brain. Hospital vapors don't smell like Opium, Sweetie. I hope you're not shackin' up with this creep.

So this what Charlie the Tuna has decided to do, to supplement my classes for The Clueless among you, is offer you answers to your questions. Yes, I'm breaking down and answering your mail in this column. That's right. From now on, your letters to Charlie won't appear on the "Vox Populi" page of this rag. (Does anybody read that page anyway?) They'll be right here with ole Charlie. I'm sure some of my fans like "Candy" who produces the Pimpin' Ain't Easy message board will like it better that way. Shut out to ya', Sweetcakes!

With further ado, let's jump into some of your letters!

Celebrate Your Right to Be Wrong

"Dear Charlie,

"I've recently met a very nice man that I really like. He works two part-time jobs and is very respectful, but because of his job schedules we can only go out once a week. That is not what's bothering me, though. It's just that he seems so worried about money all the time. I keep trying to tell him that there are things more important than money, like being smart and caring, but he won't listen..."

WRONG! Haven't you been listenin' to a word I've said over the last X-number of years? The only thing important between a man and a woman is the digits. Somebody has got to have them. In most cases, it's the man because most women are such mercenary creatures. Any man lucky enough to land a woman with money stupid enough to put up with him is one of the blesséd

"Anyway, I was wondering if you could tell me how to get my man to focus more on the communication between us, how to spend quality time when we can be together, and how to make me feel special? That certainly would help."

I sure wish you lived in San Francisco, Lady. I could have a field day with you! Tell ya' what, why don't you move out here? You could pay for the trip yourself and then I'd just reap the benefits of having you around until I got bored of your sappy shit.

"...Also, I was wondering if you had any advice for getting him to be more talkative? It feels like I am doing all the talking whenever we are together. He says it's because he's tired..."

WRONG! It's probably because he's as bored of your drivel as I am right now. He's just sitting there wondering when you're going to stop babbling and decide to give it up.

"Finally, any advice you could give me on how to make a man more attentive and what goes on in his mind would be very helpful.

Sincerely,
Vickie in Bloomington"

Vickie, there's a reason Charlie the Tuna has never crossed the bridges out of San Francisco. I sure know I wouldn't last a day in Indiana if all the people there are as stupid as you and former-almost Presidential candidate Dan Quayle seem to be.

Here's the scoop: Men are only interested in one thing, and it's not the problems of Bangladesh. You have what he wants. When you give it up, he'll be as attentive as Pavlov's dogs.

My Kind of Sandwich

"Dear Charlie the Tuna,

"I've had an experience that has completely thrown me into turmoil. I'm hoping you can help. Especially because you live in San Francisco, where they say people are more liberal about sexual things, I'm hoping you've had a similar experience and can explain to me how best to handle what I'm going through.

"I've been with the same man for three years now and all of our friends know we plan to get married one day. But two of our friends, a lesbian and a heterosexual man, have always been very nice to me. You know what I mean..."

Two of your friends think your boyfriend is a loser and you are hot. Both the lesbian and the horn-dog want to get into your pants. Cut to the chase

"Well, anyway, my boyfriend is not great on talking to me and doesn't seem that interested in many of the things I am, like books and movies. Both these people are and I enjoy being around them.

"It turns out that, because they are also friends, they conspired to get me away from my boyfriend together. They decided to make a sandwich with me as the filling. I didn't know this until it was already happening. They took me out for drinks and then we went back to the woman's place for a nightcap. That is when things started to happen..."

Lady, I'm not even sure why you're writing to me yet. You have a man and a woman going after you? Wake me when you get to the problem.

"Well, all I can say is that I had to most amazing experience of my life! I was turned on. Way on! By the time I left my girl friend's place I wasn't sure if I'd be able to walk.

"Afterwards, while we were all lying around drinking wine and talking, my two friends told me that they had planned this evening to show me how much I was missing staying with my boyfriend. They told me that they had never liked him and thought I am a fool to stay with him.

"I don't know what to think. I mean, he can be nice in his own way and I've been with him so long. It would be hard to just separate all of our stuff and end it at this point. But I certainly know now what a great lover he is not. How do I handle this? What do you think I should do?

"Laura"

Laura, I don't know how they handle it in upstate New York, what with the snow slowing down your actions part of the year, but I'd say this: Cut and run. You got two people more than willing to show you the time of your life without always bein' underfoot. Chances are you could find more if you lose the loser.

What Would A Man Do?

"Wassup, Charlie!

"I enjoy reading your column for the G21 and have always wanted to send you an e-mail tellin' you how right on I think you are.

"So I decided to write you to get you advice on a problem I'm havin' with my new girlfriend. She's hot looking, but not hot actin'. Thing is, when she gets in the sack she just raises her legs up in the air and waits for me to do all the work. I didn't mind at first, but now it's gettin' kindah boring..."

Oh really? And if she knew all the moves of a Bangkok whore, how would you feel then, Webster? Would you be writing in to ask me how to handle a frail who had probably been in The Life?

"I was wondering if you had any suggestions on how to get my girl more involved in the action? Are their manuals I could buy for her? Or should I just try to teach her to do the kind of moves I'd like?

"You The Man, Charlie. Give me the 4-1-1.

"Bill,
"San Diego"

Bill, I don't know anybody who's used that phrase "4-1-1" since 1986. Because you're from here in California, I'll cut you a little slack. I'll just say that you sound like a white boy tryin' to be down who ain't. Maybe you've been listenin' to too much Eminem lately. Whatever.

It sounds to me like you're makin' the sign of the double aardvark with a girl who hasn't had too many lovers -- a good thing -- and the ones she had weren't worth squat -- a bad thing. She probably boffed the first time with some jock who came in three minutes and she might not even have had her first Big O yet. For all I know, you haven't given her one, either.

Anyway, on a positive tip, I'll suggest that you just talk to her, before jumpin' her bones, about what's botherin' you. Let her know that she's supposed to havin' fun, too, and see if there's something you can do to make the thing more fun for her. See if she has some fantasy position she wants to try or if the preliminaries need more heat.

If none of that works, mention the word "grinding".

Until next time: Stay Hard.

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