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The Sex Column

What a Man Does

by Charlie the Tuna

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Event # 293: THE MAN ISSUE

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Our fantasy question image. SAN FRANCISCO - Now: The Old School readers of the G21 might remember that back in the Reagan Era in the United States a book came out called Real Men Don't Eat Quiche. What was happening with that? Well, macho was making a major comeback. Just like Real Men didn't eat quiche, they didn't fish. Real Men hunted sharks.

I was a youngblood then, but that was an inspiration for Charlie the Tuna. I knew that I didn't want to be a milquetoast. I wanted to be a Real Man. Maybe that's why I came up with the Tuna Question: WHAT WOULD A MAN DO?

So when our Publisher told us a few weeks back about this holiday MAN Issue. I was down and asked for the lead column.

I know that most of you know that I've become an expert on what a man would do since those bygone formative years of mine. Since our publisher believes that lists are good things that most people understand, I'll begin this here article with a list of my own.

  1. Men chase women. This the number one rule and one we just can't (biologically) ignore. It defines us. Get used to it.

  2. Men are into sports. The more dangerous the better. Contact sports like soccer and football are good, but death-defying sports like Nascar racing are better. Why? You got speed and death in one package. What real man wouldn't like that? (Think shark-hunting,) Remember: We used to be hunter-gatherers and still like the thrill of the chase. (See Number One above.)

  3. Men create things. Don't act so surprised. How do you think the axe and the wheel came along? Men have an inate need to make tools so that we can have something to hang from our belts now that taking scalps is looked down on.

  4. Men know when to talk and when to shut up. That means you talk when you need to get into them drawers. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut and also pretend to be hard of hearing.

    Example: When you're asked stupid questions like "Do I look fat in this dress?" or "Why are you staring at that woman?" you should pretend to be hard of hearing. Mum is the word.

    On the other hand, when you get hit with "How do I look in this dress?" the correct answer is always: "Scumptious."

    In general, a good rule of thumb is to keep your mouth shut. Your standard conversation with a frail should go along these lines. "Really?" "That's interesting." "Oh wow!" "Uh-huh." "I told you you couldn't trust that bitch."

  5. Men have nights out with the boys. You got to stick with this one because it allows for unlimited possibilities. I think you know what I mean.

    Anyways, what could be more satisfying than sitting in a cigar-smoke filled room around a poker table, talking trash with all of your buddies? And especially if you're holding the winning hands that night? I rest my case.

    Even if you're losing, you can belch and fart to your heart's content. You can even make it sound like the ole lady doesn't have a ring through your nose. (Come on! You know what I mean! You say, "I'll tell that 'ho what for." But then you pick up the phone and say, "Hello, Sweetie..." Don't lie!)

    But on that night out with the other fellahs you can front to your hearts content. The other guys do the same thing. It's expected.

    Besides, it satisfies our natural pack instinct.

  6. Men collect notches. You remember how those old gunslingers used to put notches on their holsters for people they had shot? Nowadays the best we can do is those notches on our crotches. I'm sure you know of what I speak. The old folks used to call it "sowin' your wild oats."

    Whatever you want to call it, it has to be done. You don't have enough fingers to keep count, after all. Besides, in a target-rich environment, you want to be like the old bull in that joke Robert Duvall tells to Sean Penn in the movie "Colors."

  7. Men push the limits. You know what I mean. Men like doin' things like guzzling down beers as fast as we can, driving cars at over 100 miles per hour, snowboarding, sky-diving, racing motorcycles, playing "Chicken," and other hazardous and totally off-the-wall pursuits. That's what bein' a man is all about.

    And you know what? For every woman who calls us too macho or nuts for doin' stuff like that, there are ten women waiting in line to have a piece of us for being Neanderthals. No lie.

    Here's a test: what's your average woman look like at the poetry reading down at the coffee shop? Okay. Now what's the average woman look like at the winner's circle of the Daytona 500? Again, I rest my case.

  8. Men like nothing better than running wild and free (or believing they do.) Why do you think the Mustang is still bein' made? Why do you think philandering is such a popular sport? Even you guys with the rings --- well, you know --- you like to think of yourselves as part of the hunter class. And that's what keep his old world spinning 'round and 'round.

Sure, I know there's a whole passle of women who don't like these facts, but they still have to (grudgingly) admit they are undeniable. Because there are still a goodly portion of us men, real men, left in the world to uphold the standard. Sure, there are some milquetoasts left, some apron-sting hangers and pussy-whipped wimps, but they can't counteract our action. Never could, never will.

They can only look on, with envy, from a distance... and until their hausfrau yanks on their nose-rings.

Until next time: Stay Hard.



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