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It's Tuna Time!

The Sex Column

A Marriage Manual

by Charlie the Tuna

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One is the biggest differences between women and men is how they approach the subject of marriage. Women tell each other everything there is to know about marriage way in advance of the ceremony. It starts with their mothers and just works its way through the network; girlfriends, co-workers, aunts, cousins, grandma --- they all kick in with the advice. "Look at that raggedy car he's driving. And you expect him to buy new shoes for you? Well, if you're fool enough to marry a man like that, you're gonnah need 'em, 'cause you'll be putting in a lot of foot-miles."

For us men, it's a totally different situation. And you know why, Losers? My grand-daddy told me after my second marriage:

"Oh yeah, we all knew she was crazy and was gonnah take you for all you had! But you know what?!? We got damned tired of hearing about all the tail you was snaggin' and the good time you was havin' out on the streets while the rest of us had to suffer through the naggin' and bullshit.

"We got damned tired! Don't you know misery loves company, boy? So we figured we'd such smile and say, 'Yeah, Charlie, she's the one. Go make her an honest woman" just to shut your ass up!"

Misery loves company. There you have it, guys, the Main Reason other men let us have that ring inserted through our noses. What I mean here, Losers, is when's the last time you caught a married man looking all happy when he wasn't trying to convince you to get married too?

Married men HATE the fact that we free men can fart or belch without havin' to apologize for it, that we leave the dirty dishes in the sink and walk around the house in our underwear, that we get to squander our paychecks as we please on tickets to the game or cases of beer -- and what they hate most of all is that we don't have to turn over and look at the same damned prune-face when we wake up every morning. It drives them nuts! So they are out to get us, Losers, make no mistake about it!

If you are a single man over the age of twenty-five, every damned married man you know -- your boss, ALL of your co-workers, your running buddies, your Dad -- ALL of them are out to shove you down that long church aisle into a life of misery.

Charlie the Tuna is Clue-ing you in on this, Losers, 'cause a lot of ya'll might think it's only the conniving frails you got to keep your guard up against. No-o-o! Don't believe the hype. Any married buddy you got is also part of the Great Marriage Conspiracy, waiting for a gullible fool like you to believe it's all hot meals and regular nookie --- the furthest thing from the truth!

The Truth About Marriage

So break out your notebooks, Losers, as this week's lesson is all about what you can actually expect after the rings are attached to your third finger, through your nose, and around your gonads.

ITEM ONE: PREPARE TO BE HOUSE-BROKEN. In some cases, if she moves in with you before the actual nuptials, this one will be one of the first any woman uses on you, Loser.

You see, us free men are just used to tossing things wherever when we ain't using them anymore. But not a woman, she's got to fold, ID and catalogue just about everything. Why? I couldn't tell ya', Loser, but it's a proven fact.

So your typical training will start with that Classic Nag Question: "Does this belong here?" She'll ask this while holding up your drawers, your socks, a magazine you'd been reading, whatever.

Ignoring the question because you think it's freaking stupid won't help.

She'll just come back again with, "Does this belong here, Ronald?"

This is your first lesson in being house-broken. After that follows the mandatory Put-Down-The-Toilet-Seat-After-Urinating-Rule, the Don't-Belch-Without-Sayin'-'Cuse me'-Rule, the Don't-Just-Toss-Your-Socks-and-Underwear-on-the-Bedroom-Floor-Rule and the ever-popular The-World-Will-End-Tomorrow-If-You-Leave-Dirty-Dishes-in-the-Sink-Rule. You won't be able to fight it unless you lose your sense of hearing or like the sound of fingernails dragged across a chalkboard 'cause they don't shut up until you comply.

ITEM TWO: NEVER EXPECT TO GO TO SLEEP WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE GOING TO SLEEP. One thing Charlie has learned from his own marriages, Losers, is that women have this pet peeve about men going to sleep before they do. Have you ever notice how many female comics get big applause from women complaining about us going to sleep after getting our nut? Well, that's just code for how deep this obsession of women goes. They believe that you can't go to sleep until they go to sleep.

Mark my word on this: IF you attempt going to sleep first, you'll get a question like: "Bill, do you think we might have been lovers in a past life?"

"Huh?" (Again, forget about ignoring her; that's just makes it good to her and she'll torture you even longer.)

"Bill, are you asleep? Are you listening to me?"

"What are you talking about now, Bernice? I'm tired. Go to sleep."

"No, this is important! Don't you feel like we're soul mates?"

"Right now I wish we were cellmates so the screws would call 'Lights Out!'"

Now it's too late, Loser. You won't get to sleep for another forty-five minutes!

ITEM THREE: SHOES SALES ENTER YOUR REALITY. If you've lived through this, you're probably a broken man, like most husbands, by now. Any modicum of independence or gumption you once had is now a wistful memory.

That's when she's ready to lower the boom and one of the first places that will happen is in the bedroom closet. Since you've started co-habitating, while SOME things end up in "their place," you've probably started to notice that other things of yours have begun to disappear. You'll never see them again.

Meanwhile, in the closet, you begin to notice all the shoes this woman has. You start thinking about Imelda Marcos, probably. And then you begin to hear talk around your house about shoe sales. The first time you hear those words, "shoe sale," try not to scream --- but know your life as a free man is over.

I'll clue you in on more about this next time.

For now: Stay Hard.

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