PREMIERE: G21 COMIX: Bix the Snowboarder - The Legend Continues!

Du-ude, Bad News: This feature is best viewed via frames. But guess what? There's a non-framed version so you can enjoy this totally rad feature of the magazine. So you know what to, like, do right?



JENNIFER BLUE takes our TREND BENDS in a very different direction. Media Meta-Critique, G21 style.

G21 TALK! Bust a move! We KNOW you have something to say about your time here. And the Message Board is the only place you can put your Official Contest Entry. What are you waiting for, Surfer?

VOX POPULI, The Reader Response Page

In G21 WORDS: The next installment of CHUCK NYREN's GRAND PLANS.


POWERSBOOKS

BOB POWERS gives a thumbs-up to Isaac Singer's latest and a nix to Karen Goodman's first.


G21 ASIA: KIM CARTER looks at "Soccer Hooligans" [WARNING: Extremely Adult Language.--Ed.]


FLISS USSHER's LONDON CALLING! gives you a new view from the UK. AND at the end of this month: FLISS REPORTS FROM BERLIN!!

Lulu slices salami. Each meaty sliver that quickly slides onto the wax paper from the humming razor blade mechanism is a year of her life. At 2:00pm every Tuesday and Friday, Mrs. Burghoff purchases 30 thin slices of salami. Slicing meat at Strong Deli is one habit in Lulu’s automated life. As the blade whirs, Lulu catatonically counts slices and looks at her reflection in the deli window until it blurs. On the television, a man jumps out of a burning building and lives!

Strong Deli is owned by Mr. Wilhelm Strong. "Call me WILL!" he always says. Every Tuesday and Friday he gives Mrs. Burghoff a complimentary dill pickle with her salami because he loves her. He loves her patchy furs; he loves her slip sagging beneath the hem of her skirt; he loves her pantyhose gathering in wrinkles around her thick ankles. While waiting for Lulu to slice salami, Mrs. Burghoff grabs a tabloid. Her bifocals slide down her curved nose and she breathes heavily as she absorbs the contents of the harrowingly colorful paper. She remains standing until one of the articles stuns her, causing her to sway before staggering into a plastic pink chair at the side of the deli counter. Will Strong claps his exceptionally hairy hands in order to revive Lulu from another reverie; he doesn’t want Mrs. Burghoff to take home one of Lulu’s thumbs in her package of sliced salami. On the television, a man jumps out of a burning building and lives!

Lulu’s reflection snaps in half when Will Strong claps his hands. Lulu wraps the 30 slices of salami, her 30 years of life, in crisp white meat paper that folds with horrific ease and permanence. She wipes her hands on her bloodied white apron and listens to calendar pages flip wind in her mind. On the television, a man jumps out of a burning building and lives!

Will Strong sits down in a plastic purple chair next to Mrs. Burghoff. He pats her hand as she fans herself with the tabloid. Once she regains her composure she will groan before shaking her head; she will shake her head before opening the tabloid; she will open the tabloid before offering her reaction to the contents therein. Will Strong believes that he can gain a glimpse of Mrs. Burghoff’s most fortressed inner world by witnessing her reactions to tabloids. "Ach, the President, he cheats on his wife. May his teeth fall out!" Mrs. Burghoff says (She’s Loyal! Will Strong thinks). "And this Helen Hoont, why can’t she do something with that hair?" Mrs. Burghoff says (She’s Traditional! Will Strong thinks). "Oh, I’m really goink to miss this Jack Lord...(Mrs. Burghoff trails into a dirge’ish hum of the Hawaii 5-0 theme song)," (She’s Sentimental! Will Strong thinks). On the television, a man jumps out of a burning building and lives!

Lulu forcefully sighs as she places the tightly packaged sliced salami on the countertop. She opens a National Enquirer and decides to divine what she is really like by examining her belly button. She unties her bloodied white apron and lifts up her blue t-shirt. Lulu’s navel most resembles Gloria Estefan’s navel: "Her navel is horizontal and oblong. She’s more outrageous in her private life than the public eye. Gloria is sometimes a procrastinator, but when she sets her mind to it, she can achieve anything." On the television, a man jumps out of a burning building and lives!

Mrs. Burghoff’s bifocals slide off her sweating nose and jerk slightly on the violet silk string that holds them around her neck. She dabs at her watering eyes with her fingertips before rolling the tabloid into a wand and stuffing it down the front of her faded floral dress (She’s Lonely! Will Strong thinks). Will Strong flexes a bicep and says "Ach, Mrs. Burghoff, let me carry you home." Mrs. Burghoff sniffles, waves off Will Strong’s exceptionally virile muscle, and replies "I’ve got to go to the church and light a candle for Mr. Burghoff, may he rest in peace." On the television, a man jumps out of a burning building and lives!

Will Strong walks behind the counter and pulls Lulu’s finger from her navel. "Are you carrying Mrs. Burghoff home today, Will?" Lulu asks as she tightens her apron around her waist. "Nein, the life I save will be my own," Will Strong replies with a wink. He nabs a particularly plump dill pickle from within a sweating glass jar and wraps it in tender foil. Lulu chews on a corner of the National Enquirer. Mrs. Burghoff opens her black pocketbook and retrieves a compact; she squints at the small compact mirror and spreads powder on her face. "Hollywood is going to the dogs," she mumbles. On the television, a man jumps out of a burning building and lives!

Will Strong puts the package of sliced salami and the foil wrapped dill pickle in a white bag and walks over to Mrs. Burghoff who is pushing herself out of the plastic pink chair. "I’ll put it on your account, Mrs. Burghoff," Will Strong says as he puts the bag in her hand and walks her to the front door. He takes a half-smoked cigar out of the breast pocket of his apron and lights it. He squints and watches Mrs. Burghoff through his smoke; she is waddling on the lonely street toward the church. Lulu continues chewing on a corner of the National Enquirer; she creases her brow and whispers "something is missing." On the television, a man jumps from a burning building and lives!

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