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MAIN EVENT. A Good Place to Get Started --- a.k.a "Table of Contents"



Take Our Monica Lewinsky, Please!

by Thomas Hart

G21 Staff Writer

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The Main Event


AUSTIN, TEXAS - Sanitation Engineers, Tabloid Hart, has message for the whole blamed world this week:


What I mean to say, ya'll, is that after over a year of learnin' Everything-I-Never-Wanted-To-Know about everybody's favorite national tart, last week's frenzy of Monicamania was enough to send me into a Trailer Trash tizzy! Enough already!

It was bad enough that EVERYWHERE I went, including Billy Floyd's bar right across from the Trailer Park, folks were having Monica Parties to watch this chubbette doing the Barbara Walters interview. But NO! That was not all. A few days later all the buzz is about Monica's Story, the book. Next it will be Monica's Story, the movie, right? (ON THE MOVIE: Who would we have play Monica? Rosie O'Donnell? The two of them sure look like they was separated at birth.) And after that our new celebrity, Monica, and Rosie get together to model thong bikinis for Vanity Fair.

Hell, even G21 started peddling that hard-copy birdcage lining through! I couldn't escape Monica's mug even here!

This here so-called book was written "with" the same durned guy responsible for starting the hagiography of Princess Diana. What's this supposed to mean? That Monica Lewinsky is being raised to the level of American royalty?

Where's my vomit bag?

If you're like me, Sanitation Engineers, and you wouldn't be reading this column if you weren't, you're ready for Gennifer Flowers to re-surface so we at least got an easy-on-the-eyes bimbo on the screen.

Or, better yet, I vote we delve into the sex life of somebody who understands sex. I nominate Hugh Hefner.

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We done wasted enough ink on ML. Let's move on to the Real Dish.

Celebrity Dish of The Week

One thang I have to give my old pals at Tabloid Hart's favorite news source the National Enquirer, them ole boys was smart enough not to put the national tart on the cover. Naw, they had them so Real Breakin' News.

Supermodel Kate Moss As in anquished superwaif Kate Moss coming forward to dish that she and lots of other supermodels are awash is a sad and sordid world of booze and drugs. Pity the poor, $1000-an-hour supermodel, ya'll. They get rates better than most Ladies of the Night, but they suffer a pitiful life in the fast lane.

That's right, even someone like Kate Moss --- former girlfriend of the normal and sensitive soul, Johnny Depp --- can get caught in the horrific cycle of late night parties at exclusive clubs and wild, drug-crazed frenzies.

Reading her story of an existence of privileged torture.... I darn near busted a gut laughing! You will, too, Sanitation Engineers. Tabloid Hart says, "Check it out!"

And Remember: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all the trailer trash.

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