Houston, We Have a Problem

by Thomas Hart

G21 Staff Writer

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AUSTIN, TEXAS - Listen up, Sanitation Engineers!

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) reports that it is going to go below quota again this year in its space shuttle flights. You see, normally them ole boys down in Houston sends up seven, maybe eight, shuttle flights a year. That's how John Glenn was sure he could get his ride. But this year, according to what I read in the Austin American-Statesman this weekend (via the Associated Press), they are only gonna be able to send up a paltry five flights.

"So where's the Dish, Tabloid Boy?" you say.

Well, young Delbert, the dish is that them not meeting their quota costs you and me the Taxpayers about $39 Million.

Are you listening now? Good. 'Cause here comes the hiney kicker.

Why would it be that NASA has fallen almost 30% behind schedule, burning our money like James Dean burned rubber?

THE RUSSIANS.

Yeah, I know! When I first read it, I was a little mystified myself. And as you know it takes a lot of cow chips to get this ole boy's gorge to rise. But that was what the article said, Sanitation Engineers: The Russians.

Now if you are like me, and I suspect you are or you wouldn't be hangin' around the double wide chewing your chaw right now, you had to ask yourself a few questions:

• "Did I hear you right?"
• "You mean them same Russians what's gottah dig potatoes outtah the fields outside of Moscow 'cause there ain't no blame food in the stores no more?"
• "You mean them same Russians whose whole damned country is being run by drunken ex-Soviet generals and their flavor of the Mafia?"
• "You mean the same dad-blamed Russians who we is always worried gonnah sell off all their Nukes to the first comers just to pay for electricy and firewood?"

According to the Associated Press article, the United States of America, where at least a few people are supposed to have a couple brains amongst them, has its whole dad-blamed space program dependent on the Russians! Them Russians.

Here's how this Through-the-Looking-Glass deal goes, Sanitation Engineers:

We are waiting around for the Russians to (and I'm quoting here, ya'll!) get over "... financial problems [which] have led to another delay in Russia's completion of the crucial service module for the space station. The service module, which contains all the life support systems for the fledgling station, is expected to be launched no earlier than September. The Russians earlier had promised to have it ready by July, which would have been more than a year late." (AP didn't bold that stuff, I did.)

Is Tabloid Hart the only one who sees something nutty about this?

We are putting LIFE SUPPORT in the hands of the Russians? Them same Russians who are having "financial problems."

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Lookahere, let ole Tabloid spin ya'll a tiny scenario:

"Hello, Jim-Bob, Billy-Ray, this is Mission Control calling. How you boys doin'?"

"Just fine, Houston. How about ya'll?"

"We doin' alright. My wife got a case of the ass, but otherwise life is good....But listen, fellows, I got some kindah... well, some kindah rough news for ya'll."

"Don't tell me, Houston: Bad weather. We have to do five more orbits."

"Naw, naw! Nothing like that. I'm afraid it's a little more serious, boys."

"You going to fish or cut bait, Houston?"

"Well, you boys remember the Russians, don't ya? Well, they had another hard patch this year, and well! It looks like you boys are gonnah have to start gettin' mighty used to each other's comp'ny and that there space station... In other words, it may be kiss your hineys good-bye..."

Remember: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all the trailer trash.

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