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G21 TABLOID HART

Smut Central

by Thomas Hart

G21 Staff Writer

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Event #136: THE RIGHT COAST EDITION: "Toto, I'm afraid we're back in Kansas again..."

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AUSTIN, TEXAS - SMUT WARS: They were squirming all over Washington, D.C., this past weekend, Sanitation Engineers, because the latest chapter in the national Smut Wars has to do with pulling skeletons out of sanctimonious Republican closets.

You all know by now that Congressman Henry Hyde, chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, had his own tawdry little affair, and with a married woman, some years ago. It seems this woman's ex-husband is still hopping mad about it, too. Sorta gives new meaning to the phrase "Everybody's doing it..."

But that's not all! The word on the street is that journalists --- the very folks so quick to gather like blood-enflamed jackals around other folks' misfortune --- may get their own moments in the dock soon.

Tabloid Hart has always wondered if ABC's Sam Donaldson even had normal human equipment, or if he was some kind of wind-up toy, a mannikin maybe, or a cyborg, like he seems. It would actually be a refreshing revelation to learn that old Sam had flipped his cheap-looking toupee over some K Street floozy from the capital...

G21 TABLOID HART means to look at the anomalies in American culture, the strange and all-too-coincidental interstices of success and destruction. Be here every week as we answer the questions enquiring minds have to ask.

THE NERVE: Around here in the Trailer Park all the talk has been about the recent wedding of Melanie(Scary Spice) Brown. As you can imagine, Tabloid Hart was extremely nonplussed at the fact that no wedding invitation arrived here.

EVEN WORSE, Scary Spice was so damned tacky that she had a private wedding, keeping her fans and the papparazi away from the ceremony, and those shameless kiss-asses who did get invited!

I'm gonnah send that little knocked-up bitch a piece of my Tabloid mind, Sanitation Engineers!

Hey, Sanitation Engineers! Not tired of the dish yet?

Then ya'll are cordially invited to drop on in, and join, TABLOID HART's TRAILER PARK. We have a chat room, for when all of us is loitering there together. And I especially want ya'll to check the Trailer Park Discussion Area. Have a celebrity you hate? An idea as to what we oughtah do? Come on in!
WHAT EVERY MOTHER SHOULD KNOW: In a shocking forecast of what parents throughout the United States and the United Kingdom can expect over the next decade, some damned quack pop-psychologist(whose name I can't remember) is being quoted by the national newspapers. In this bogus study, certain to become a new canon of Urban Legend everywhere, Ms. Interchangeable MFCC warns parents of the coming explosion of "Spice Babies."

According to Ms. I. MFCC, young girls all over the place will want to imitate Posh Spice and Scary Spice and get pregnant before marriage.

As we all know, fellow Sanitation Engineers:

  1. NO YOUNG GIRLS are getting pregnant before marriage now, 'cause it ain't cool yet.
  2. BUT now that the Spice Girls have done it, MOST YOUNG GIRLS will think getting pregnant without being married is the Coolest Thang they could possibly do.

I hope I don't have to repeat this for ya'll again.

OUTRIGHT LIES: I betcha that while folks in the District of Columbia is so busy doing all of this serious investigative research into each others histories right now that we the people will learn some seriously tabloid stuff about more public figures. Here's a list of revelations which probably won't come out: