MAIN EVENT. A Good Place to Get Started --- a.k.a "Table of Contents"
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MAIN EVENT. A Good Place to Get Started --- a.k.a "Table of Contents" |
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| The World's Magazine: generator21.net
Event #176: Jokers Wild 
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From RIC WILLIAMS:
Men's Phrases Translated
"I'M GOING FISHING."
Translated: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING."
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," or "YES, DEAR."
Translated: Means absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
Second Runner-up:
"Machiavelli's The Little Prince"-Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.)
First Runner-Up:
"Green Eggs and Hamlet"-Would you kill him in his bed? / Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. / I could not do that evil thing. /would not wed this girl, you see. / Now get her to a nunnery. (Robin Parry, Arlington)
And the Winner:
"Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities"-An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice. (Mike Long, Burke)
Honorable Mentions:
"Where's Walden?"-Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
"Looking for Mr. Godot"-A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a looong wait. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
"Catch-22 in the Rye"-Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
"As I Lay Winesburg, Ohio"-William Faulkner and Sherwood Anderson tell the unforgettable story of one man's ambitious quest to nail every woman in his home town. (Grady Norris, New Bern, N.C.)
"2001: A Space Iliad"-The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"Curious Georgefather"-The monkey finally sticks his nose where it don't belong. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
"The Hunchback Also Rises"-Hideously deformed fellow is cloistered in bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that's the good news ... (John Verba, Washington)
"The Maltese Faulkner"-Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton)
"The Silence of the Hams"-In this endearing update of the Seuss classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs on his friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)
"Portnoy's Choice": A man is forced to choose between his right and left hand. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
"Jane Eyre Jordan": Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship. (Dave Pickering, Bowie)
"Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby"-Having narrowly escaped a Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe of actors only to find that playing the Palace isn't as grand as living in it. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
"Tarzan of the Grapes"-The beleaguered Okies of the dust bowl are saved by a strong and brave savage who swings from grapevine to grapevine. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
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