The Guard Dog
A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog."

"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."


The Accident
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."


The Heart Transplant Patient
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years."

"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

"It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."



From DOVE & NILDA DOVALE, Bandon, OR:

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A: Men usually miss them.

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

Q: What do men and tile floors have in common?
A: If you lay them well, you can walk on them for years.

HIM: "Why can't I tell when you have an orgasm?"
HER: "Because you're never home when it happens."

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.

Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because they won't stop to ask directions.

The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you done? "
Three words women hate to hear when having sex... "Honey, I'm home!"

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

Q: What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.