GOOD DR. ENGLISH

Boozehounds, Skullduggery & College Applications

by D.A. Blyler

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Dear Good Doctor English,

Much thanks for your wise counsel over the past few weeks. My housemates and I, here at Michigan State, hope that you can help us out, too. You see, we've been getting a bit tired of the old drinking games like thumper, quarters, and all that. We were hoping that you might supply us with something imaginative that we can entertain ourselves with on these wintry Michigan nights--something that might appeal to the ladies, too.

Rodney
East Lansing, Michigan


Dear Rodney,

Of course the doctor can be of service to you. One of the favorite games he played with fellow housemates during his college days involved the film "Barfly," Mickey Rourke's best film before leaving Tinsel town for the boxing ring--and arguably Faye Dunaway's, as well. If you have never seen this cinematic gem, it runs neck and neck with "Leaving Las Vegas" in the race for the most alcohol consumed on screen. In fact, Rourke's character Henry Chinaski (based on the infamous boozehound Charles Bukowski, who wrote the screenplay) would probably call Nicholas Cage's Ben Sanderson a pussy. Anyway, go rent the film, buy a couple bottles of whiskey and a case of beer, and invite a few uninhibited girls over for the viewing. The object of the game is for the guys to drink every time a male barfly drinks in the film and for the girls to do so every time a lady barfly does (and for equal duration). Every time someone fails in this regard an article of clothing must be removed. By the end of the film, well, you can imagine ...


Dear Good Doctor English,

I am a senior in high school trying to figure out what colleges to apply to for next year. What kind of criteria should I use when making this decision, other than the ordinary junk that I get from my guidance counselors? I kind of have a flair for the arts and enjoy writing.

William
Roanoke, Virginia


Dear William,

That's a good question. On careful consideration, I'd advise that you first investigate the student population figures of selected schools and take serious note of the female/male student ratios. You want a college where the female population outnumbers the male population by at least twenty-five percent. And where the majority of the women are business majors. After all, if you have a flair for the arts and want to get involved in that dubious profession you're going to need a woman to support you. Play the odds to your advantage. Secondly, I'd advise researching only those schools that are located in the mountains. Being on the East Coast, you might want to stick with those snuggled in the Appalachian mountain range, as the good doctor did. Why, you ask? Well, to paraphrase Thoreau, students should always go to college at the base of a mountain, because when they are failed by the world of academia, they can then scale the mountain and get a true education“especially if there's a friendly bar on the summit.


Dear Good Doctor English,

I'm an English major who's considering switching her major to Creative Writing. What do you think of such programs? I've won some local awards for my writing, so I think I have a talent for it. Please advise.

Wendy
Ethereal, Cyberspace


Dear Wendy,

You sound like a nice girl, so the good doctor is going to be straight with you. Have you lost your mind?!! You'd be better off blowing your college money on tequila and Mexican gigolos in Tijuana than squander it on those sharks. No, the doctor is not a fan of creative writing programs. An argument could be made for attending such a program if it has some published heavyweights on the staff who could provide access to agents or publishers if they fancy your work, but there are cheaper ways to purchase such professional access. Switching majors though is probably a good idea. My advice to would-be writers is to select a major with more practical applications, such as journalism, or if you're more artistically motivated, video production. Stay away from "general" programs. Don't fall for that skullduggery about how "adaptible" you'll be; how employers like "well-rounded" applicants who they can then train. Hogwash. These people ought to be strung up by their ankles and pelted with all these hopeless degrees. I hope this helps you, Wendy. And, by the way, please refrain from words like "ethereal".

Mail your questions and problems to the good doctor at: gooddoctorenglish@hotmail.com

Good Doctor English is a faculty member of Rajabhat Institute Rajanagarindra in Thailand and a former creative writing teacher at the University of West Bohemia in the Czech Republic. He is the author of two books of poetry and is a contributor to several international publications. The Good Doctor's Web Page.