COVER -> RECOMMENDED DAILY REQUIREMENT
DISH PREVIEW - Anne dumps Ellen and is seen at a trendy Beverly Hills restaurant with A MAN! George Dubya admits that he lied about the last time he was arrested for drunk drivin'. The Jerry Springer Show takes trailer-trash infotainment to new heights with the on-location "Springer Cam!" Now that's the America we all know and love, isn't it, Sanitation Engineers?!?
You got it! Beginning again this month your "Tabloid Hart" column goes back to the landscape we have come to love: gossip, celebrity feuds, trash-talk and plenty of it. This here is just a sneak preview of what you can expect that my Esteemed Editor allowed me to have this week. (Picture me scrapin' and bowin' and mulin' "I am not worthy!"
My own personal feelin', of course, is that I got this slot because he didn't have nothing else to put here in RDR this week. But I didn't say that, ya'll.)
When you read this, the danged election will FINALLY, finally, be nearly a historical event being dissected ad nauseum by the Talking Heads of the Mouthpiece Media more'n likely. Good f'n riddance! says Tabloid Hart. It lasted about six months too long by our estimation down here in the Trailer Park.
And, once again, it will be all "Blahblahblah... failed to energize his base... blahblah... could have capitalized by missteps by his opponent after the debates like.... blahblahblah... should have admitted the cover-up of his arrest earlier and defused the backlash.... blahblahblah... would have turned out differently if Bill Clinton had been allowed to...blahblah.."
Shouldah, couldah, wouldah.
Pardon me while I click the remote control over the latest scandal about Jennifer Lopez and Puff Daddy. Tell me something: what does she see in that fool and do so without mention the word "Johnson." I think ya'll know what I'm talkin' about here.
And where is ole Dennis Rodman? Well, ya'll can believe in the next few weeks the Chief Dumpster Diver of the G21, Tabloid Hart, will dig out what many of us Sanitation Engineers want to know about The Worm. Far's I know, he's still got his Pimp Daddy thang goin' with Carmen Electra, don't he?
And while we's on the subject of totally screwed up and dysfunctional relationships, what's up with all these "Black Diva"s having their drug problems aired all over the place this year? You got Whitney Huston vying for pathetic drug-whore of the year, while Bobby Brown no sooner gets out of the joint then he's snortin' big-time through $100 bills like he's George Dubya Bush.
(Well, okay, I can admit that I can visualize Natalie decked out as a high-priced Detroit 'ho. But that don't mean she has to! Hell, if I had all she's got going for her the LAST place you'd find me is at the Player's Award Ceremonies with Ice T and his old homies. But that's Tabloid Hart. The closest I want to get to a 'ho is her purse BEFORE she's seen her Mack Daddy.)
TRAILER PARK UPDATE: A number of ya'll have written in to my Publisher, I been informed, asking about my pal Cleavis and that gem-stone, crystal-gazing New Age twilight zone stuff his wife's been gettin' him into. It seems like some of ya'll is curious as to why Good Ole Boys like me and Buford are still willin' to call a hen-pecked jerk like that our friend.
Well, here's the Reader's Digest version: You don't dump a bud just 'cause his wife is forcin' him to get into weird and unsavory shit. After all, as long as they do they seances and such in the privacy of they own doublewide --- and ole Cleavis don't exclaim crap like "Thank the Goddess!" too often in my personal presence, I'll still maintain my ability to like him as he used to be.
Hell, it'll only be a few years afore menopause kicks in on his hausfrau and she might get her mind back together, ya' know?
At least she ain't stopped him from Lone Star beer just yet.
THE LAST WORD: In conclusion, ya'll, I understand that some folks have been complainin' that Tabloid Hart has failed to support the high-brow, journalistic tradtions of this here magazine and that I should be shit-canned.
This is Amurrica. You are certainly entitled to your (ass-hole) opinions. But let's get something straight here: I'm a big draw at a Web magazine that needs to get more reg'lar folks to at least drop by so that mebbe --- just mebbe -- it can pull in some danged ADVERTISIN' REVENUE. You get my drift?
SO REMEMBER: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all the trailer trash!
Then you got Natalie Cole --- Natalie Cole of "Love me 'cause I ripped off one of my Daddy's best tunes and remastered it for a few mill'" tellin' danged PEOPLE magazine, them National Enquirer wannabes! that she was deep into heroin and liked hangin' out with 'ho's!!!
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