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RECOMMENDED DAILY REQUIREMENT

DATELINE: 25 September, 2000

Transmitted by: Radio Raheem, USA

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Event # 234: WE ARE THE WEIRD

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RDR logo.CATS, DOGS, BIRDS, FISH - I know a lot of us have read how, short of having a wife, husband or Significant Other on the premises, the best way to live longer is to have a pet. There are even programs out there, from what I read, where folks with terminal illnesses and such are given pets to take their minds off their problems.

And some folks even supports the theory that the kind of pet you choose has a lot to say about the kind of person you are yourself, Homeboys and -girls.

For instance, you ever notice how many chicks like to keep cats? Lots of chicks are cat people. Sure, in inner cities you see chicks with dogs --- but there's a theory that they ain't actually dog people, they just uses them dogs to keep mashers away and such. That way, the only guys they end up meeting are the guys out walking their dogs. Having a dog is another one of them good ins for meeting women.

Still, move out to the suburbs and you'll see for yourself: for every women with a dog, there is five with a cat or cats. No lie! What that means, of course, is that you plan on dating these women, you gottah at least be able to pretend that you like getting cat hair all over your vines, in your food, find it on your car seats and the like.

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Still, if you judge by them legend old Italian ladies (actually living in Italy, I mean) who keep like two, three hundred cats, women just love themselves some cat.

Meanwhile, you got lots of men --- especially if they live in rural areas where they can still hunt and such --- who are all about dogs. Another reason I think dudes like dogs is because dogs make you feel like you are second only to the Almighty. Dogs act like you the end-all and be-all and most dudes like that feeling, because their ole ladies make them feel otherwise. You know what I'm talkin' about, Dude!

Now, man or woman, people into low-maintenance pets --- thus meaning low-maintenance lives --- will invariably choose fish as their first pet choice. If they got any type of dige at all, meaning good jobs and "discretionary" cash, they opt for tropical fish. Tropical fish are like Sports Utility Vehicles (SUVs.) They are a sign that you have made it. Having tropical fish shows that you can afford to have one of these hundred-dollar-a-pop suckers go belly-up on you if you didn't get that salt water mixture they needs to survive just right.

Fresh water fish, on the other hand, is the lazy man's paradise. You can look good, and rap about that soothing effect of having fish in your environment, without havin' to pony up any serious cash. Plus, you only got to clean the quano outtah a fish tank every few weeks or so, as compared to dealin' with a damned cat box every other day.

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Now me, I can't personally figure out your bird people. I don't mean the little old ladies who might keep a parakeet and such, where all they got to do is feed it and put the newspaper in the bottom of the little birdcage. I mean those folks who like to walk around with a parrot on their shoulder like Sinbad the Sailor, or who have them cockatous and cockatiels and such running amok all over their apartments? I don't get it!

First, you know them damned exotic tropical birds has got to be very high-maintenance.

Second, you got the damned thing pecking at your head or your neck, likely as not.

Third, them suckers can get HUGE! Ain't they supposed to living in the Amazon jungle or in Africa or something? What are they doin' in your two bedroom apartment on Twin Peaks?

And then you got your real freaks who keep snakes. I worked with this brother who used to bring his pet boa constrictor out with him to clubs and such. Kept that big ole snake wrapped around his neck. Always tryna get chicks to pet it and such. "Go ahead. He gets warm from my body heat. Just run your hand over his skin. It's kindah cool feeling, really." (Me, I think that snake was supposed to be some kindah statement about what they could expect from his own personal snake, you understand what I'm sayin'?) "Come on, Baby, put your hand on the snake..."

As you might expect by now, I've always been partial to dogs. I had me a couple German shepherds, a Doberman, a husky. I liked 'em all.

Some folks say that dogs is dumb, but you can't prove that by me. Now the Doberman, he was all like this monster ("Yeah! Come on ovah here and let me rip your throat out, mofo!") but he was like as not to show the damned burglar where all the silverware was and help him load it into his sack.

Real helpful he was, once you got inside --- 'CEPT FOR ONE THING: it was okay to take all you wanted while you was in the crib, he JUST DIDN'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE. Soon as you reached for that door, he put on his monster face again. "I rip your throat out, you try to LEAVE!!!"

I get back to the crib, burglar and the Dobie be sitting down playing cards and shit, just as calm as you please.

"Whassup, man? Who the hell are you?"

"He just a new friend," the Dobie would growl up at me, "keepin' me company 'til your ass get back home."

Burglar, he be talking in a real quiet little child's voice, "Please! Don't let him kill me."

I don't consider that dumb. That's what I like about a dog.


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